I hate that I hate what Valentine's Day has become. Being asked what I got, what I’m getting, how I am celebrating is grating on my nerves. It's almost better to play the coy and secretive card, because my love life is being judged by the degree of pomp and circumstance surrounding this most auspicious demi-holiday, which according to the New York Times is the 2nd most celebrated day after New Year’s. Honestly, one cannot help but react to the public outpouring of sentiment and get-togethers that people are planning or doing to celebrate V day. It’s everywhere! Billboards, TV, Facebook! And I don’t think I am alone in the observation that exhibitionism is so much more rampant in social media during Valentine’s than any other occasion. From bling to kinky underwear, the point is to remember not to compare what one got or not! Then there’s the influx of people (mostly women) who never talk to you all year long and now are interested in spilling their V day bits. It’s an outright skill to juggle “Ohhh, how romantic!” “That’s nice,” “The day isn’t over yet” or “Christmas was good, right?” The pressure! Over the years I have reconciled myself to the fact the only way to survive V day (or any gift-giving holiday for that matter) is to keep one’s expectations at bay and even more important, to contain one’s disappointment at a manageable level. Valentines, after all, should not be exclusive to significant others, but open to family, friends, pets and whatnots. As with any special occasion, it’s the thought and the sincerity of the effort that outweighs any material substitutions. Special days are set aside each year to organize people who are not so inclined to daily or regular demonstrations of affection. Even with these reminders, there are no guarantees. The bottom line – love your own self first. If you want something bad enough, get it or do it yourself. If you want others to get it/do it for you, give them specific instructions. And to those who did take the time to remember you, don’t judge their care by the size of their package. Revel in the fact that somebody cares.
I agree with most of what you say, except "to keep one’s expectations at bay and even more important, to contain one’s disappointment at a manageable level." I think we need to keep our expectations high and let them know when they fall short. This is what people in healthy relationships do (according to my therapist at least).
ReplyDeleteIs it the thought that really outweighs any material substitions? I don't think so. If I were to give someone a $1 chocolate bar for V day, does that really show how much I care for them or would a diamond ring? I believe the more you spend or the more sentimental the gift you give someone shows how much you care.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter if it's V day or not, my partner doesn't give anything. Just a kiss and a hug and maybe a trip to Carl's Junior with his coupons. Chip, chip, chip.
ReplyDeleteOn this day, sometime in the 3rd century, St. Valentine was beaten and then beheaded, dying a virgin. Happy Valentine's Day!
ReplyDeleteHenri, Le Chat Noir had this posted on his Facebook page-- seems fitting doesn't it?
The common thread in all the postings so far (including Henri's) pretty much boils down to the quality of communication.
ReplyDeleteTo Candace: there is no such thing as one size fits all. Everyone's comfort level is different. You can set your expectations to whatever level you desire as long as you are realistic about the other person's reactions. If you have the kind of relationship that you can convey your desires and your partner welcomes your initiative and is genuinely engaged in fulfilling them, then more power to you. On the off chance that you partner is not so inclined then it does matter how high you set your expectations and how prepared you are to manage any degree of disappointment. If your relationship can survive despite this setback, open communication and working towards a mutually beneficial arrangement should please your therapist ;)
To Derrick and Anonymous: value is relative. Even the most seemingly insignificant trinket can mean the world to someone who sees past it's extrinsic value. It all depends on how deeply one is attuned to the other, knowing what's pleasing and what's not. If the lines of communication are strong enough, even if an oversight occurs, there should be no awkwardness in communicating that. Of course, this is easy in theory, tricky in practice. In general, it's not so much the cost but the thought that was expended. If you know your gal would balk at less than 5 carats, then you better save and not show up with a zirconia. But if she would much rather spend the day hiking with you and by the by you pull out her favorite Milky Way wrapped with a bow, then you hit jackpot. Anonymous, you are obviously still with Mr. Wonderful despite his affinity for CJs. So it's either the hugs and kisses are still potent or cheep eats have grown on you. If you're happy, then you have more than many people have. Maybe it's just a matter of clipping coupons for another restaurant of your choice or introducing Mr. Wonderful to Groupon or Living Social.
I didn't forget about you Henri. Fast forward to present Valentines Day! Applicable lesson learned from the 3rd century - put up or shut up, otherwise you won't get laid!
ReplyDeleteThis has been the most fun posting I have done yet. The online public/private and offline comments have been so stimulating. And I got to play Dear Abby for a bit. All kidding aside, I had a great V Day. My partner knew exactly what would please me because a lot of thought and care was expended. I did the same so the results were mutually satisfying. The blogging actually made the experience more memorable this year because we analyzed the significance of this day in depth. We both realized that we have many Valentines throughout the year. We are in synch.